An Enduring Gratefulness
By: Erin Kuns
Did you ever make those Thanksgiving craft construction paper cutout wreaths in Kindergarten or 1st Grade and you had to come up with things you were thankful for? Remember how we would agonize and dwell on what to write on each leaf: I am thankful for...mom, dad, school, friends, playgrounds, hugs, hot cocoa, jokes, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches...
As we age, the scribbles we make on each leaf markedly change: I am thankful for...my job, my education, my family & friends (still!), antidepressants, retirement accounts, health insurance, voting rights, clear lab results...
It’s amazing what a few decades of enduring life’s sick version of dodgeball does to your perspective! However, around this time of year, we have a tendency to emphasize thankfulness rather than gratefulness in what God has done and is doing. Please hear me: thankfulness is an important discipline. And I think it is necessary to be intentional about thankfulness beyond the fourth Thursday of November. But gratefulness -- to me at least -- is deeper and requires more action. Thankfulness conjures this sense of relief or deriving pleasure from something. But gratefulness is the demonstration of appreciation of what you are thankful for. Jesus calls us to go and share what He has done for us.
Throughout this past year, I have been dealing with another (and much more complex) period of major depressive disorder than I have at other times of my life. Vulnerability Alert: I have been on and off antidepressants since the age of 15, but this time was different. This time I actually journeyed the road of desiring nonexistence. I didn’t really want to harm myself per se, but I sincerely wanted everything and everyone to stop and shut up; for me to go to sleep; and for it all to go away -- forever. I was 100% okay with the idea of never waking up.
I’ve been there and done that by having conversations with people who think if you pray hard enough and long enough -- or confess enough (which inherently suggests there is a sin associated with depression??) -- that my depression is simply a fallacy that interferes with my belief in God. I don’t take hardlines or make public stances about much, but I will say it here: mental illness is real and incredibly multifaceted.
Yes; I am thankful for my doctors and medication that attempts to provide neurological balance. However, I am grateful for how God uses my disease for His glory. He has revealed his steadfast nature to me more in the last year than I have ever experienced and known. He has shown me that antidepressants are not the end. Rather, they are a means to an end; a tool in my toolbox.
I have been able to develop greater compassion for others (albeit a work in progress).
I have been able to achieve a career to champion justice and be a resource for people in need.
I have been able to volunteer my time to invest in the health and wellbeing of my community.
I have been able to share God’s goodness with my Oikos.
That is gratefulness.
Mark 5 tells of Jesus casting out unclean spirits from a deeply tormented man who lived among the tombs, who cried out day and night, and who cut himself with stones. Two major things jump out at me:
ONE: Jesus gave Legion permission to enter the pigs. Jesus displayed his absolute sovereignty at that moment. Jesus always had, and continued to have, authority over the man’s troubled soul -- there was NEVER a moment God had lost control of the situation.
TWO: Jesus instructs the man about how to demonstrate his gratefulness for what He had done. Absolutely I believe the man was thankful. How could he not be?! But, God did not want the man to stop there.
“Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled. (Mark 5:1-20)Go and tell. Go and do. That is gratefulness.*If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental illness and/or suicidal thoughts, please - I beg you - do not be afraid to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org